Thanh - The: Soya Bean Drink

Hello drinks fans!

Apologies for the lenghty delay in brew reviews!  The Drinks Master has been undergoing relocation of the Drinks Cave, which has diverted his time from beverage ingestion to moving box de-congestion.

However, in the relocation your hero took the opportunity to lighten the load by drinking rather than moving potential goods-in-transit.  The result is a short brew review of Thanh-The's green Soya Bean Drink.

mmmm Soylent Green

The Drinks Master has been intrigued by soya bean drinks for years, particularly those that were of a colour one would not usually associate with adjectives such as "fresh", "appealing" or "safe".  In that light, when perusing the wares of a local Asian supermarket when in dire need of refreshment lead to the acquisition of the aforementioned product.

Soya based softener

Thanh-The is a local producer  (relative to the Drinks Master) of what appears to be a Vietnamese treat. This particular offering was presented in delectable forest fresh fabric softer green, although other options of off-white and pink were available; perhaps for future consideration?  Thanh-The have taken the simple packaging structure of a plastic PET bottle, no frills labeling all easily accessed via a simple screw top.

Upon opening, Soya Bean Drink smelt curiously like tofu, with a faint sweet after tone.  The consistency of the product was akin to a thin milk, although no milk mustache was imparted from a brash swig from the bottle.  Noting the olfactory impact, SBD's first impact on the taste buds was unsurprisingly akin to liquefied tofu.

Now the Drinks Master understands that many folk don't like tofu, and admittedly it is an acquired taste.  Fortunately DM is quite impartial to a soya based hit, and so while the initial tofu blast was not gag worthy to the master, rookie gulpers may have otherwise spurted a soya spray across their hapless drinking partners.  

The question remains, was it a thirst quencher?  Unfortunately no, but it certainly weighed tenuously in the stomach immolating any short term appetite for food.   SBD could be well marketed as a natural appetite suppressant; are you paying attention Thanh-The?

Having sampled a variety of bean based drinks in his time, your hero was glad to have finally partaken of the mysterious green soya and removed it from the list of unknown delicacies of the liquid spectrum. However his desire to relive the experience was hardly voracious.  

If tofu is your game, and the thought of liquefying it with sugar cane sounds like your version of ambrosia, then you are in luck.  If however you are like the other 99% of the population... well you know what they say...

DeDe Pennywort Drink

Fear me, for I am wort!

Hello drinks fans!  Here’s hoping the beverage world is treating you kindly and quenching both your physical and spiritual thirsts.

Today’s review is of DeDe’s delightful, delectable yet Delphian Pennywort Drink.  Pennywort, according to our friends at Wikipedia is yet another form of miraculous herb that, for some reason unbeknownst to the writer, should quite clearly form the vast majority of one’s daily diet, eg:

“can act as a cerebral tonic”

“revitalize the brain and nervous system, increase attention span and concentration, and combat aging”

Don’t stop there though.  Are your limbs falling off? Do you suffer from embarrassing skin loss? Well, your worries are over my friend.  Just one snort of this stuff and your open sores and leprosy are but a thing of the past.

However there are some oddities mixed in with the miracles, including this curious statement:

“In Indian and Southeast Asian centella, the plant frequently suffers from high levels of bacterial contamination, possibly from having been harvested from sewage ditches. Because the plant is aquatic, it is especially sensitive to pollutants in the water, which are easily incorporated into the plant.”

I’m not sure about you, but this sounds like superhero creating material.. move over Peter Parker’s radioactive spider, go home Green Lantern because sewerage infested yum yums are here!  Ok, ok, mockery aside, let’s get down to it shall we?

Flash on..

First impressions of Pennywort drink, ugh just the name alone “wort” sounds terrible, are far from sensational.  The brew is secured by a metal tab, which unlike many other concoctions sampled to date, was removed with ease. 

Pouring the contents from the bottle into a glass conjured images of scooping pond slime from a stagnant cess pit.  The stuff pours like sludge from a chain smoker’s lungs.  Once fully evacuated from the bottle, third party commentary provided such visual descriptive gems as:

“water from a turtle enclosure at the zoo”  and “rancid water from an old vase”

Further to this, not only did it look like pond slime, it smelt like pond slime having produced a dirty sweet celery or “vegetable smoothie” like aroma.

Steeling his resolve, your hero took his first sip and was presented with a thick, mildly sweet liquid that was thicker than water but not quite at pond slime viscosity.  A short gargle procured initial hints of old syrupy tea, you know, the one that grandma made the night before and left out on the table that you (as an innocent 3 year old) mistakenly thought would be a good idea to try when she wasn’t looking.  Ahh the memories...

Flash off..

After the first brush with horror, Pennywort Drink leaves an unpleasant yet mildly insulting aftertaste of burnt celery planted in decaying flowers.  The main drama however was the longer term effects.  As each sip was followed by a concerned "hmmm", your heroes stomach followed with a resounding grumble.  By the end of the bottle there were viciously unpleasant noises emanating from the depths of the intestinal tract.  Don’t drink it hung over, unless your intention is to induce severe projectile vomiting.

It would seem that reviewers across the globe agree that pennywort does not equate to the nectar of the gods, with comments such as:

"This drink tastes humid." and "I'd have a hard time finishing a whole can of it. One more sip. Ugh." - Too Many Chefs 

http://www.toomanychefs.com/archives/001136.php

"I put it in a clear, plastic cup and I couldn't see my hand on the other side." and "If I was trapped on an island and a case of this washed up on shore, I'd drink it, but until then, I'll let someone else do it." - Thirsty Dudes 

http://www.thirstydudes.com/review/176

"Feels like you're drinking a thin sweet swamp" (translated) - せかいののみもの (the World's Drinks) http://blog.livedoor.jp/sekainonomimono/archives/65621518.html

The Drink’s Master wholeheartedly agrees.  If you’ve always wondered what pond slime tastes like, but couldn’t bend over far enough or isolate yourself from your parents or guardian long enough, then here’s your chance.  Get it in to ya’ and watch how fast you’ll get it out of ya’.  Blergh!

Chin Chin Lotus Oatmeal

Top of the day to you drinks fans!  Today's expedition into the world of beverages takes us to Taiwan and the good guys at King Lucky Food Ind. Corp who have generously produced and packed the hearty Chin Chin Lotus Oatmeal.  Unfortunately due to the Drinks Masters' incredibly busy schedule (or pure malingering) this review comes far later than intended, and the latter part without notes (they were lost in the war).  On this basis today’s review may be somewhat shorter than usual.  Drinks Master offers his most humble apologies.  Anyway on to the review...

Supplied in a solid can that no ordinary mortal could crush with their bare hands, CCLO is depicted  more like a meal than a drink by the bowl of "soup" shown on the label.  CCLO even comes with its own convenient fold out spoon packed neatly under the plastic lid for your munching pleasure.

Apparently "all delicious" cool or hot CCLO the Drinks Master elected to take his brew cold in this taste test, as his can of CCLO had been resting in the Drinks Cave fridge for quite some time.  However in this instance your hero arose from slumber  wholeheartedly starving, upon which he judged the only time that CCLO may actually be appealing to attempt to consume and digest.  


Thus the can was popped. Popping of said can was more difficult than first pondered however, as CCLO has a stiff plastic lid with rather sharp edges affixed to the top of the can, perhaps as a deterrent to young children and the enfeebled from what lies within.  However the Drinks Master being in possession of many fine drinking tools (ie: crusty old ball point pens) eventually managed to pry off the cap with minimal swearing and physical harm with the aid of neatly cut holes in the cap's side.

Removing the can lid via the pull back tab one is presented with a grim view of compressed gluggy slop topped with a viscous opaque liquid.  



Olfactory investigation reveals a strong corn scent muddled slightly with a sweetish vanilla fragrance.  Peering into the void conjures images of baby food, vomit and gruel.
Deciding to pour out the contents, it was clearly apparent that a bowl would be a more suitable receptacle over a glass.  As the mixture is a combination of chunks and liquid, having sat for so long in the can, a quick pour empties the liquid sans  chunks.  Sampling the liquid one is treated to a sweetish corn flavoured 'juice'.  It’s not wholly unpleasant, but not super tasty either.  Unfortunately what this does do is leave the ‘chunks’ without a supporting flavour.  Sampling the chunks with the supplied spoon all that is delivered is a mouthful of mushy neutrality. Chickpeas, corn, oats and other flavourless goodies, while providing ample sustenance, do not deliver on the ‘yumminess’ factor.

mmmm... chunky

However, in a famished state it’s not that hard to force down. Certainly if you were stuck in a frozen wasteland this stuff could keep you going for quite some time. While the Drinks Master opted to “save some for later” it was ultimately discarded into the bin, as after a day it really does not look appealing at all (picture last night’s vomit sitting in a bowl in your fridge).



In subsequent visits to various supermarkets, a number of competing brands have been sighted.  In order to properly give just to CCLO it would seem that another product will need to be sampled.  Keep your eyes peeled!

Rooh Afza - The Summer Drink of the East

Welcome back drinks fans to another exciting brew review!

Today's experience takes us far across the Asian continent to the land of Pakistan, known for its love of cricket, ongoing passionate debate with India and of course the Markhor (aka the grumpy bearded cousin to the unicorn).

Grumpy Unicorn Wannabe

When they are not enthralled by Shane Warne's flipper, the guys over at Hamdard Laboratories (the house of herbal products) spend their time whipping up herbal remedies to promote Unani medicine.  According to the Hamdard website the span of its products can pretty much cure all diseases known to man - rather bold claims if nothing more.  Rooh Afza is no exception as it is claimed as "one that enhances the spirit and uplift the soul, for the last 90 years, [and] is a legendary syrup of the East."  Further to this Roof Afza is "acknowledged" (by Imran Khan perhaps) to: 

• combat the enervating summer heat:
• replenish lost strength;
• satisfy thirst completely;
• keep you cool in scorching summers; and
• makes you feel fresh and energized.

Unfortunately Hamdard has had its share of misfit adventures, as a product was noted in March 2005 by Health Canada that [it] was: "found to contain arsenic levels in excess of 40 times the maximum allowable concentration for drugs."  Whoopsy doodle!

In any event, whoever prepared the English version of the Rooh Afza product blurb on the Hamdard site needs to be presented with a Pulitzer prize.  With such statements as:

• "for the last 90 years, there has been no incredulity about Rooh Afza's functions"
• "the top selling cold drink of its kind not only in Pakistan but also amongst the millions living in USA, Canada, Australia, Japan, and the Middle East including the Arab world and the U.K"
• "Rooh Afza activates a sensation of satisfaction and tranquility that cannot be gainsaid"
• "...always offers a pleasant, soulful experience."

the Drinks Master is surprised you are still reading and haven't already left for the local supermarket to procure a slab of Rooh Azfa bottles for your personal bar fridge.

All bashful claims aside, let's look at this stuff shall we?  Rooh Afza comes in a large plastic bottle with a rather ornate cap proudly stating its Pakistani origin.

Tilting a full bottle one would not notice the thick syrupy nature of RA, as the top of the liquid is tightly bound under the cap.  Removal of the cap however releases enough pressure to allow the syrup to slightly congeal and indicate that quaffing straight from the bottle would be a bad idea. 

Inspection of the rear of the bottle reveals some fairly exotic ingredients, such as distillate of fragrant screw pine (also known as Pandan) together with an absolute motherlode of sugar (from 800ml 760 of it is sugar!!)  For those lacking in English, the ingredients are also conveniently listed in German.  Perhaps one of the more curious warnings on the bottle reads "do not store below 20 [degrees Celsius]", which would be quite a challenging feat in most climates but perhaps not so in Pakistan.  What happens when the product drops below 20C.. who dares find out?

Pouring a small quantity of yumminess into a glass reveals a very thick sticky, yet dazzling, red elixir.  Rolling it around in the glass evokes a somewhat disturbing likeness to blood.

Dracula says 'yes'

RA is recommended to be mixed with lemonade, milk, water or even used as an ice cream topping.  Drinks Master elected to try each extrapolation with the exception of milk, which just seemed a little too zany. 

Mixing with water was actually more challenging than one might think.  RA does not blend of its own accord, and requires substantial stirring and agitation lest the drinker be met with red water and sugar sludge at the bottom of the glass.  However after getting the balance of blood and water just right RA tastes like a mixture of Turkish delight and rose water but with a very distinct aftertaste... say camel urine?

This will blow your mind!

Mixing with lemonade yielded better but not perfect results, making an already very sweet drink into a criminally irresponsible riot version of red cordial... on steroids.  Keep this one away from the kiddies lest they start climbing the walls or crab walking ala the Exorcist from the sugar and red food dye high. 

After jabbing himself with an insulin pen to avert a catastrophic blood sugar implosion it seemed appropriate to engage time lapse photography to confirm the outrageous levels of sugar in RA that would send the most athletic person straight to Type 2 Diabetes.  Note the bottle on the left at purchase, followed by the bottle on the right some 6 months later together with the mud like gathering of pure sugar at the base of the bottle.  The Drinks Master was tempted to distill that product and hock it to the young teenies at the beach for that [un]natural exuberant high.

                                                                                                  Pure                                                                    Cut

RA on ice cream was an interesting affair, again with the overpowering sweetness and pungent afterglow of camel pee tarnishing an otherwise enjoyable dessert.  Undiluted, RA is a pretty strong sugar slurp not for the uninitiated.

In short the Drinks Master can understand why RA is claimed to "make you feel fresh and energized", as the amount of sugar in this brew is mind blowing.  Forget Fizz Whizz, forget Fruit Loops, you want that sugar rush that will propel you to jump over a three storey building in a single bound then this is your drug.  Just make sure you don't mind a bit of camel pee, as it's a tough act to follow.

ABC Tamarind Drink

Top of the morning to you drinks fans!

Today's adventure in the beverage spectrum takes us to the island nation of Indonesia, with ABC's Tamarind Drink (or for the purists out there Minuman Asam Jawa).

Tamarind is an interesting fruit, as its natural flavour is rather sour one cannot simply pick, peel and smash it down like a friendly banana. Rather, tamarind is blended with other processes to achieve more palatable flavours such as those found in chutneys and pickles. As a preface to this review the Drinks Master thought the readers might enjoy a few interesting factoids from our friends over at Wikipedia:

• tamarind is means of making certain poisonous yams in Ghana safe for human consumption;
• is also consumed as a natural laxative;
• in temples, especially in Buddhist Asian countries, the fruit pulp is used to polish brass shrine furniture, removing dulling and the greenish patina that forms; and
• a tamarind switch is sometimes used as an implement for corporal punishment.

Armed with these tidbits of knowledge the Drinks Master's mind steeled itself to the potential absence of enjoyment that would await.

ABC TJ comes in a 250ml tetra-pack with a handy straw attached. The packaging is adorned in an unfortunate brown colour together with pictures of the tamarind pod, which itself has an unfortunate visual similarity to fecal excrement. Further images of the tamarind tree caused the Drinks Master's mind to devolve into a juvenile state and formally rename the plant to the "Hanging Poo Tree".

Puncturing through the plastic seal no noticeable odour could be detected. Pouring the brew from the small opening proved difficult, however a small portion was captured in a shot glass for the reader's viewing pleasure. The murky brown liquid that flowed from the pack was certainly consistent with the tamarind's formal renaming to the Hanging Poo Tree.

Noting the viscosity of the 'poo juice' time lapse photography was employed to assess whether the solids would separate from the fluids, the 'curds' from the 'whey' if you will... and yes sure enough they did.



Steeling his resolve the Drinks Master took his first sip, and was greeted with a heinous insult of flavours. ABC TJ could be described as putrid liquid chutney, or perhaps left over water after washing a curry pot mixed with apple jam. It is sickly sweet with a revolting hint of sour. A quick check of the ingredients lists reveals both sugar and palm sugar have been added and tamarind actually accounts for only 2.25% of the total contents.

Every subsequent sip elicited a distinct and disgusted "ugh" from your hero's lips, coupled with considerable face scrunching by Reviewer B. To say that it is a battle to finish the entire tetra pack is to say that pushing a square peg through a round hole is both an easy and logical task.

All in all this stuff is foul. It's party prank material, or a post binge drink purge inducer. While the wood from the tree creates a good switch for corporal punishment, the Drinks Master would opt for that over drinking this brew again in more than the most minute quantity.

There's a good reason why tamarind is a brass shrine furniture polish , perhaps there it should stay.

Pokka Soursop Juice Drink

Greetings drinks fans!

The Drinks Master has emerged from his winter hibernation to again risk life, limb and taste buds for your reading pleasure.

Today's wish-wash is a brew that apparently is made from the curse of the common garden - soursops. Pokka's Soursop Juice Drink claims the down to earth moniker "good & refreshing", which one must assume is superior to "bad & dehydrating".

It is packaged in a can which depicts a mystery green fruit / vegetable rather than the humble soursop it claims to embody. This caused the Drinks Master to query whether the description was accurate, and drawing upon his linguistic powers of deduction the Drinks Master noticed a description in Malaysian of "Western Durian" buried in the ingredients list. Instantly sick to the stomach at the thought of having to quaff durian juice, your hero turned to the internet for assistance. Sure enough upon a quick Google search it was revealed that deception was at play!

According to my colleague "Fruity" over at the Fruit Species Blog, soursop is "a native fruit from the West Indies, Central America, down to Brazil and it is a common fruit in tropical Asia nowadays." Apparently amongst the Chinese community soursop is known as the "Western Durian" due to its durian like appearance, although they taste nothing alike (thank the lords). One rather distubing factoid was noted however that the fruit contains "numerous, black toxic seeds"...hmmmmm.

While disappointed that he would not be sharing the sweet joys of ingesting bovine ambrosia, the Drinks Master pressed on. Upon cracking open the can there was a suggestion of fizz, noted by the familiar "shht" one would hear from a common can of Coke. This notwithstanding upon pour one discovers the brew is naught but flat.

Olfactory exploration of the open can revealed a sweet smell, not unlike passion fruit. However a transfer of the liquid from the can to a glass presented a murky fluid akin to water after one has hand washed yesterday's underwear.

Furthermore, after a brief slosh around the glass a white film or residue took hold on the glass further reinforcing the concept that washing powder deposits remained after the underwear was removed. A curious description on the can read "contains permitted food additives of a non-animal origin", which perhaps lends assistance to explain the Omo like appearance.

Ingestion of the washing water leads not so much to a flavour explosion, but more of a slow leakage of taste crossed between passion fruit and green melon. It's not offensive, but it could hardly be called exciting either. Perhaps this is where the "good & refreshing" line becomes most appropriate. It's a safe and boring description for a safe and boring drink.

However as noted by Ms. Drinks Master, the more you drink the washing water the more you realise you probably shouldn't be drinking it. The can was polished off in only a few minutes, and while the Drinks Master was left refreshed his stomach reserved judgement of such swift ingestion.

In short, the Drinks Master was disappointed. He expected sourness, he expected offensive flavour explosions, but was greeted quite simply by "meh". If you're of the kind who wants to appear like you're a daring character prepared to imbibe anything to impress, but you're really a lightweight sissy, then is is the brew for you.

Assam Grass Jelly Milk Tea (aka Playa' Juice)

Having recovered from chronic nicotine withdrawals after Hung Fook Tong's 'cigarette water', the Drinks Master returns to bring you a report on the yellow bottled, Assam Grass Jelly Milk Tea.

Without English guidance, one may be confused by the label of AGJMT. Pasted neatly on the bottle is a picture of one cool dude and a lovely lady standing casually in front of what looks to be a late model Lotus Elise. Judging from the get up and body language of these two, one queries the innocence of the situation. Is this a hapless 'playa' wooing his 'shorty' or is it Pimpy McPimperson flashing off his latest ho' Shenaynay? Who knows? The only guidance given in English in the slogan "Boom Boom" tucked neatly on the rear side of the label. Drinks Master reports, you decide!

Assam no doubt intentionally plastered this optical puzzle onto the label knowing that drinkers of AGJMT would have plenty of time to muse over its intentions. Trying to open a bottle of AGJMT with your bare hands is much akin to prying open a submarine hatch with a toothpick. There will be plenty of blood, sweat and tears (and a tonne of swearing to boot).

To drink one must:

1. Remove the plastic seal covering the lid.
2. Snap off the plastic ribbon connecting the lid to the bottle.
3. Peel off an airtight plastic seal (or in the Drinks Master's case, punch through with a fork).

Effectively this stuff is sealed from nuclear fallout, which means you could happily drop it into your toilet, collect it from your local sewage works some days later and then serve it to someone who'd be none the wiser.

That said, the contents of AGJMT looks like it has traversed through the sewer and back. Dirty sock water brown, littered with dark brown globules (one assumes the grass jelly). A handy hint for those new to grass jelly drinks - shake well before serving, or drink it with a straw, otherwise all you'll get is plain beverage, a pile of stodgy jelly at the bottom when finished and exacerbation of your disappointment. One must partake of liquid and jelly to fully appreciate the combination of flavours that await.

AGJMT has a strong, fruity aroma, reminding Drinks Master of a juice rather than a tea. However first impact to the tongue is definitely a strong milk tea, loaded full of sugar. AGJMT is however not the "high tea" of milk teas, rather it tastes like grandma's tea from last night gone cold in the fridge. You know the one, too many sugars, watery and loads of milk. To add a little more pain to the fray, AGJMT carries a strong aftertaste of UHT milk.

For the uninitiated, grass jelly does not taste like grass. You won't feel like you have a mouth full of lawn clippings or a heifer's leftover hay. Grass jelly, in isolation, tastes like...well... nothing. It is essentially a tasteless firm gelatin, which is comparable to the tapioca used in "bubble tea" oft seen in the China Towns of the world sans the "gumming" effect had on ones teeth.

Not much more can be said about AGJMT. If you've had one milk tea you've probably had 'em all, and AGJMT's only real difference is the metric tonne of grass jelly that has been shoved into the bottle to chase down the milk tea. Does this however allow AGJMT to clamber above its milk tea brethren and claim the coveted milk tea crown; the Drinks Master thinks not.

If you've never tried milk tea before, don't start here because you'll end here as well. Milk tea can be enjoyed, but just not this one. If however you want to look like Pimpy McPimperson, or simply want to nail that "supa fly-girl" maybe this is your trick?

Hung Fook Tong - Isatis Root Drink

Fear not drink fans around the world, your Drinks Master has not been killed by a Woogjing special! Rest assure that he hath returned to the new year, bringing with him an iron stomach and iron will in order to provide you with the latest insight into the mysteries of drink!

Today's liquid treat comes from our Chinese cousins at Hung Fook Tong. "Isantis Root" is apparently a widely used herb in Chinese medicine and, according to numerous internet sources of varying credibility, cures all kinds of ailments and afflictions.

Generally consistent with herbal remedies, pleasing flavours are usually relegated to the bottom of the positive qualities of the remedy, and this wonder root does not stray from the path. Curiously however this beverage is being sold as a soft drink for general enjoyment, not as a herbal tonic.

HFT Isatis Root Drink comes in a generic plastic bottle with a standard fair green label. On the rear of the label rests an artists impression of the root, which closely resembled half smoked cigarettes.

The colour of the brew is a murky brown, which alongside the cigarette depiction did not bode well. After removal of the cap no discernible odour was detected, nor any hint of fizz or other excitement.

The first sip suggested a flavour akin to chrysanthemum tea, with a bitter aftertaste. However subsequent quaffs caused an exacerbation of the aftertaste to the extreme. By the third intake it was clear to the Drinks Master that drink is made as follows:

1. HFT gathers all of the used ashtrays from its employee lounges, ensuring that no half smoked tobacco is lost.
   
   
2. The ashtrays are ceremoniously emptied in a vat of dirty sock water.
   
   
3. The vats are agitated at high speed (to ensure all the smoked goodness mixes through thoroughly) while being contemporaneously blessed by a monk of an obscure religion.
   
   
4. The resultant filth is bottled, left in the sun for 3 days, returned to the refrigerator for 2 days, moved to the sun again for another day and then shipped to your local supermarket.
   

Although not proficient in Chinese, the Drinks Master has no doubt that the kanji on the label reads "Dirty Cigarette Water", because that's just what it tastes like.

The "Engrish" on the label provides:

"Residues are Normal. Shake Well Before Drink" - ie: there's a bit of ash in there, so mix it up or you'll cop it. Check....

The nail in the coffin follows shortly:

"Pregnant women are not suitable for drinking" - Well yours truly personally wouldn't drink a pregnant woman either (assuming it's not some kind of zany cocktail with a shot of tequila) however, using the powers of deduction one must determine that it is a cryptic warning that the drink is not suitable for pregnant women..... and mate.

This leads a query into the etymology of "Hung Fook Tong":

• Hung - representing the initial gulp.
  
  
• Fook - the exclamation of the drinker after ejecting the contents of his or her mouth on a hapless bystander.
  
  
• Tong - the sound of the bottle bouncing off the bin walls as it is thrown away with disgust.

Quite simply this stuff is vile, that is however, unless you enjoy drinking water straight out of used pub ash trays after a Saturday night whereupon it is highly recommended.

If reliving that once in a lifetime experience of a hard night on the town smoking Winnie Blues and getting tanked on drinking home brew lager is your thing then you can't go past HFT Isatis Root Drink.

Assam Milk Tea (Apple)

Couched entirely in Chinese this drink was a true enigma placed neatly between regular teas and other juices.

Immediately recognisable on the tetrapak is a green apple and a horse and cart. Both horse and driver look equally stunned.. either by the apple or the fact that they regretted drinking the beverage straight after a hard curry.

Either way thanks to the marvels of post package labelling, I can happily say that Assam's have created somewhat of a monstrosity from water, sugar, milk powder, black tea and apple flavour.

Yes, I can hear you now, the flavours of green apple and milk have finally been combined into a conveniently packaged box of joy. Unfortunately, the most expedient way to describe it that it's not offensive but the more you drink it the less you want to drink more.

The combination of apple and milk is a bit like 2 Mexican fighting fish. When placed closely together both items are enjoyable, the fish swim calmly while the milk and apple lie inert for everyone to enjoy. However when placed together, the fish manically try to rip each other apart in a major ruckus - which is much like the effect in your stomach after several sips of Milk Tea (Apple). Who knew that apple and milk when combined would be so volatile.. besides anyone in their right mind. The fact that it doesn't immediately curdle is a miracle in itself.

Now I know why the horse and driver look so stunned. Obviously the driver had milk for himself and an apple for his equine companion, however as the fates had decided both ingredients were combined and ingested.. much to the utter disgust of both.

Perhaps the final straw in this concoction is that the tetrapak is a mammoth "400", which the drinks master assumes is millilitres (although by the time one gets the end of the pack (and congratulations if you do) it seems like 400 gigalitres.

Would I recommend to people I like - probably not
Would I drink it again - not unless I was feeling masochistic
Would I mix apples and milk in any other liquid form - no