Hung Fook Tong - Isatis Root Drink

Fear not drink fans around the world, your Drinks Master has not been killed by a Woogjing special! Rest assure that he hath returned to the new year, bringing with him an iron stomach and iron will in order to provide you with the latest insight into the mysteries of drink!

Today's liquid treat comes from our Chinese cousins at Hung Fook Tong. "Isantis Root" is apparently a widely used herb in Chinese medicine and, according to numerous internet sources of varying credibility, cures all kinds of ailments and afflictions.

Generally consistent with herbal remedies, pleasing flavours are usually relegated to the bottom of the positive qualities of the remedy, and this wonder root does not stray from the path. Curiously however this beverage is being sold as a soft drink for general enjoyment, not as a herbal tonic.

HFT Isatis Root Drink comes in a generic plastic bottle with a standard fair green label. On the rear of the label rests an artists impression of the root, which closely resembled half smoked cigarettes.

The colour of the brew is a murky brown, which alongside the cigarette depiction did not bode well. After removal of the cap no discernible odour was detected, nor any hint of fizz or other excitement.

The first sip suggested a flavour akin to chrysanthemum tea, with a bitter aftertaste. However subsequent quaffs caused an exacerbation of the aftertaste to the extreme. By the third intake it was clear to the Drinks Master that drink is made as follows:

1. HFT gathers all of the used ashtrays from its employee lounges, ensuring that no half smoked tobacco is lost.
   
   
2. The ashtrays are ceremoniously emptied in a vat of dirty sock water.
   
   
3. The vats are agitated at high speed (to ensure all the smoked goodness mixes through thoroughly) while being contemporaneously blessed by a monk of an obscure religion.
   
   
4. The resultant filth is bottled, left in the sun for 3 days, returned to the refrigerator for 2 days, moved to the sun again for another day and then shipped to your local supermarket.
   

Although not proficient in Chinese, the Drinks Master has no doubt that the kanji on the label reads "Dirty Cigarette Water", because that's just what it tastes like.

The "Engrish" on the label provides:

"Residues are Normal. Shake Well Before Drink" - ie: there's a bit of ash in there, so mix it up or you'll cop it. Check....

The nail in the coffin follows shortly:

"Pregnant women are not suitable for drinking" - Well yours truly personally wouldn't drink a pregnant woman either (assuming it's not some kind of zany cocktail with a shot of tequila) however, using the powers of deduction one must determine that it is a cryptic warning that the drink is not suitable for pregnant women..... and mate.

This leads a query into the etymology of "Hung Fook Tong":

• Hung - representing the initial gulp.
  
  
• Fook - the exclamation of the drinker after ejecting the contents of his or her mouth on a hapless bystander.
  
  
• Tong - the sound of the bottle bouncing off the bin walls as it is thrown away with disgust.

Quite simply this stuff is vile, that is however, unless you enjoy drinking water straight out of used pub ash trays after a Saturday night whereupon it is highly recommended.

If reliving that once in a lifetime experience of a hard night on the town smoking Winnie Blues and getting tanked on drinking home brew lager is your thing then you can't go past HFT Isatis Root Drink.