Assam Grass Jelly Milk Tea (aka Playa' Juice)

Having recovered from chronic nicotine withdrawals after Hung Fook Tong's 'cigarette water', the Drinks Master returns to bring you a report on the yellow bottled, Assam Grass Jelly Milk Tea.

Without English guidance, one may be confused by the label of AGJMT. Pasted neatly on the bottle is a picture of one cool dude and a lovely lady standing casually in front of what looks to be a late model Lotus Elise. Judging from the get up and body language of these two, one queries the innocence of the situation. Is this a hapless 'playa' wooing his 'shorty' or is it Pimpy McPimperson flashing off his latest ho' Shenaynay? Who knows? The only guidance given in English in the slogan "Boom Boom" tucked neatly on the rear side of the label. Drinks Master reports, you decide!

Assam no doubt intentionally plastered this optical puzzle onto the label knowing that drinkers of AGJMT would have plenty of time to muse over its intentions. Trying to open a bottle of AGJMT with your bare hands is much akin to prying open a submarine hatch with a toothpick. There will be plenty of blood, sweat and tears (and a tonne of swearing to boot).

To drink one must:

1. Remove the plastic seal covering the lid.
2. Snap off the plastic ribbon connecting the lid to the bottle.
3. Peel off an airtight plastic seal (or in the Drinks Master's case, punch through with a fork).

Effectively this stuff is sealed from nuclear fallout, which means you could happily drop it into your toilet, collect it from your local sewage works some days later and then serve it to someone who'd be none the wiser.

That said, the contents of AGJMT looks like it has traversed through the sewer and back. Dirty sock water brown, littered with dark brown globules (one assumes the grass jelly). A handy hint for those new to grass jelly drinks - shake well before serving, or drink it with a straw, otherwise all you'll get is plain beverage, a pile of stodgy jelly at the bottom when finished and exacerbation of your disappointment. One must partake of liquid and jelly to fully appreciate the combination of flavours that await.

AGJMT has a strong, fruity aroma, reminding Drinks Master of a juice rather than a tea. However first impact to the tongue is definitely a strong milk tea, loaded full of sugar. AGJMT is however not the "high tea" of milk teas, rather it tastes like grandma's tea from last night gone cold in the fridge. You know the one, too many sugars, watery and loads of milk. To add a little more pain to the fray, AGJMT carries a strong aftertaste of UHT milk.

For the uninitiated, grass jelly does not taste like grass. You won't feel like you have a mouth full of lawn clippings or a heifer's leftover hay. Grass jelly, in isolation, tastes like...well... nothing. It is essentially a tasteless firm gelatin, which is comparable to the tapioca used in "bubble tea" oft seen in the China Towns of the world sans the "gumming" effect had on ones teeth.

Not much more can be said about AGJMT. If you've had one milk tea you've probably had 'em all, and AGJMT's only real difference is the metric tonne of grass jelly that has been shoved into the bottle to chase down the milk tea. Does this however allow AGJMT to clamber above its milk tea brethren and claim the coveted milk tea crown; the Drinks Master thinks not.

If you've never tried milk tea before, don't start here because you'll end here as well. Milk tea can be enjoyed, but just not this one. If however you want to look like Pimpy McPimperson, or simply want to nail that "supa fly-girl" maybe this is your trick?