Homebrew Sour Cherry Vodka

Not to be outdone by Woongjin, Aloe or Paldo the Drinks Master has embarked on an adventure of his own.... home brew!

In approximately one and a half months two batches of the finest sour cherry vodka will be ready and put to the taste test.  Will Smirnoff or Polikov produce a meaner brew? Only time will tell.

Rooh Afza - The Summer Drink of the East

Welcome back drinks fans to another exciting brew review!

Today's experience takes us far across the Asian continent to the land of Pakistan, known for its love of cricket, ongoing passionate debate with India and of course the Markhor (aka the grumpy bearded cousin to the unicorn).

Grumpy Unicorn Wannabe

When they are not enthralled by Shane Warne's flipper, the guys over at Hamdard Laboratories (the house of herbal products) spend their time whipping up herbal remedies to promote Unani medicine.  According to the Hamdard website the span of its products can pretty much cure all diseases known to man - rather bold claims if nothing more.  Rooh Afza is no exception as it is claimed as "one that enhances the spirit and uplift the soul, for the last 90 years, [and] is a legendary syrup of the East."  Further to this Roof Afza is "acknowledged" (by Imran Khan perhaps) to: 

• combat the enervating summer heat:
• replenish lost strength;
• satisfy thirst completely;
• keep you cool in scorching summers; and
• makes you feel fresh and energized.

Unfortunately Hamdard has had its share of misfit adventures, as a product was noted in March 2005 by Health Canada that [it] was: "found to contain arsenic levels in excess of 40 times the maximum allowable concentration for drugs."  Whoopsy doodle!

In any event, whoever prepared the English version of the Rooh Afza product blurb on the Hamdard site needs to be presented with a Pulitzer prize.  With such statements as:

• "for the last 90 years, there has been no incredulity about Rooh Afza's functions"
• "the top selling cold drink of its kind not only in Pakistan but also amongst the millions living in USA, Canada, Australia, Japan, and the Middle East including the Arab world and the U.K"
• "Rooh Afza activates a sensation of satisfaction and tranquility that cannot be gainsaid"
• "...always offers a pleasant, soulful experience."

the Drinks Master is surprised you are still reading and haven't already left for the local supermarket to procure a slab of Rooh Azfa bottles for your personal bar fridge.

All bashful claims aside, let's look at this stuff shall we?  Rooh Afza comes in a large plastic bottle with a rather ornate cap proudly stating its Pakistani origin.

Tilting a full bottle one would not notice the thick syrupy nature of RA, as the top of the liquid is tightly bound under the cap.  Removal of the cap however releases enough pressure to allow the syrup to slightly congeal and indicate that quaffing straight from the bottle would be a bad idea. 

Inspection of the rear of the bottle reveals some fairly exotic ingredients, such as distillate of fragrant screw pine (also known as Pandan) together with an absolute motherlode of sugar (from 800ml 760 of it is sugar!!)  For those lacking in English, the ingredients are also conveniently listed in German.  Perhaps one of the more curious warnings on the bottle reads "do not store below 20 [degrees Celsius]", which would be quite a challenging feat in most climates but perhaps not so in Pakistan.  What happens when the product drops below 20C.. who dares find out?

Pouring a small quantity of yumminess into a glass reveals a very thick sticky, yet dazzling, red elixir.  Rolling it around in the glass evokes a somewhat disturbing likeness to blood.

Dracula says 'yes'

RA is recommended to be mixed with lemonade, milk, water or even used as an ice cream topping.  Drinks Master elected to try each extrapolation with the exception of milk, which just seemed a little too zany. 

Mixing with water was actually more challenging than one might think.  RA does not blend of its own accord, and requires substantial stirring and agitation lest the drinker be met with red water and sugar sludge at the bottom of the glass.  However after getting the balance of blood and water just right RA tastes like a mixture of Turkish delight and rose water but with a very distinct aftertaste... say camel urine?

This will blow your mind!

Mixing with lemonade yielded better but not perfect results, making an already very sweet drink into a criminally irresponsible riot version of red cordial... on steroids.  Keep this one away from the kiddies lest they start climbing the walls or crab walking ala the Exorcist from the sugar and red food dye high. 

After jabbing himself with an insulin pen to avert a catastrophic blood sugar implosion it seemed appropriate to engage time lapse photography to confirm the outrageous levels of sugar in RA that would send the most athletic person straight to Type 2 Diabetes.  Note the bottle on the left at purchase, followed by the bottle on the right some 6 months later together with the mud like gathering of pure sugar at the base of the bottle.  The Drinks Master was tempted to distill that product and hock it to the young teenies at the beach for that [un]natural exuberant high.

                                                                                                  Pure                                                                    Cut

RA on ice cream was an interesting affair, again with the overpowering sweetness and pungent afterglow of camel pee tarnishing an otherwise enjoyable dessert.  Undiluted, RA is a pretty strong sugar slurp not for the uninitiated.

In short the Drinks Master can understand why RA is claimed to "make you feel fresh and energized", as the amount of sugar in this brew is mind blowing.  Forget Fizz Whizz, forget Fruit Loops, you want that sugar rush that will propel you to jump over a three storey building in a single bound then this is your drug.  Just make sure you don't mind a bit of camel pee, as it's a tough act to follow.

TV Food - Bird's Nest Beverage

Happy New Year to you drinks fans!

As the New Year opens so does the Drinks Master open a new beverage. Today’s tasty treat, Bird’s Nest Beverage, hails from tropical Thailand and is produced by those crazy guys at TV Food.

“Birds nest?!?” I hear you all cry. Yes drinks fans, bird’s nest has finally been matured, collected, distilled and bottled for all of your indulgent drinking pleasures. The Drinks Master must admit that this beverage has been staring at him from the Drinks Cave for some time now, and there has been much trepidation in partaking of the nest nectar. Still, there is a reason why the Drinks Master is so known – he’s not just a pretty face… oh and charming, witty, debonair, masculine, dashing, immaculate and, in all, humble.

BNB comes in a bulbous brown glass bottle neatly sealed with a crisp bronze foil wrapper. The label states that the brew is a “health drink” however one must surely question the veracity of that statement given the claimed content of the brew as follows:

• bird’s nest
• white fungus
• sugar and water

It is conceded that water has some health properties; however unless the Drinks Master has been lying under the proverbial rock for some time, the last time he checked, bird’s nest and white fungus weren’t generally widespread among the top branches of the pharmaceutical tree. It would seem that a colleague in drink agrees that TV Food have made somewhat fantastical claims regarding the nutritional properties of BNB, as noted in this review here.

Wrestling open the metal foil one is presented with a non-twist bottle top, which would obviously frustrate the casual or uninitiated drinker sans bottle opener or keen opening skills. This however may be standard practice in Thailand, as a recent associate returnee from the land of Thai demonstrated to the Drinks Master deftly half a dozen ways to open a bottle without an opener (or your teeth).

Perhaps in a masterstroke of marketing genius the label of the bottle runs to the very bottom, so that the funk inside is masked from a cursory inspection. However viewing the bottle from below reveals a solid layer of white strips, one might say reminiscent of small white worms – leftovers perhaps from the bird whose nest has been pilfered for brewing delights. While the bottle requires it to be shaken well, even a good shake does not stir the muck from the depths.

Unsealing the purported health tonic releases no rank odour or carbonated fizz. Closer olfactory inspection revealed hints of a rice aroma. Pouring from the bottle releases a thin gloop, not as thick as a Hong Da Ma special (refer earlier reviews) - more like a saliva like consistency. Out with the gloop flows the white worms which converts the brew into a pineapple like colour.

First slurp leads to a sweet rice / corn flavour, which is surprisingly not unpleasant. The review noted above suggested that the flavour was very sweet however the Drinks Master disagrees, as it pales in comparison to previously reviewed tonics (such as the Assam milk teas). Once they reach the mouth the “worms” tend to melt without any noticeable flavour or other sensory affront.

Subsequent quaffs remind the drinker that it is a ‘different’ brew. Due to the viscosity it is easily spilt or dribbled, upon which one looks like a snot nosed child. BNB could easily be used as a party gag in lieu of silly stream.

Certainly BNB is not noxious, but it is an acquired taste primarily due to the snot like nature of the liquid. If you are a connoisseur of fine refined brews this may not be your thing, but if you indulge in mucus munching or snot slurping then this is the brew for you.