Hong Da Ma Black Fungus Drink

During a recent interstate trip the Drinks Master was fortunate enough to stumble upon a mystery store upon which the next two nectars were purchased.

The first of such is Hong Da Ma (or Madam Hong's) Black Fungus Drink. The title alone was more than enough to intrigue and temp the Drinks Master's passion to explore liquid crimes, and it was promptly swept up in an impulse fit of retail insanity.

Something about the caricature of Madam Hong's cheeky grin on the front convinced the Drinks Master that minimal research should be employed before sampling this brew. There was a hint of the joker, a playful smirk that suggested the more that one knew about BFD the less likely they were going to drink it. The only research your hero decided was needed was a cursory search of the web, which lead to a marketing promotion as follows:

"to improve your digestion.

to beautify your looks.

to reinforce your physical strength.

our product is all made from natural sources with very good taste."

What more could one ask? Better digestion, a beauty tonic, beefier muscles and a very good taste to boot. A wonder drink, if not the elixir of youth!

Visually, MH's BFD comes in a firm smooth plastic 480ml bottle. Peering into the bottle one is confronted with a curious spectacle. Translucent floating chunks can be clearly seen, floating fungus, poised polyp, modules of mushroom suspended in a light brown goop. The label reassuringly states that the brew has a "shlef" life of 12 months, so it's ok for a good solid year on the 'shlef' before it turns noxious and kills you.

Removal of the white cap reveals a silver seal that cannot be torn off with human hands. No doubt it is there to protect the innocent from a fungal breakout, and is the first real warning sign that whatever is inside should not be drunk. A common rookie mistake is to punch through these kinds of seal with a fork or other instrument, which inevitably leads to an unpleasant and embarrassing facial spray. Consequently, with surgeon like precision, the seal was removed with a sharp knife.

No discernible aroma could be detected from the open cavity, which was a delightful surprise based on the preceding mental images of fungus stench brewing in the bottle. However a slight tilt of the bottle revealed that the contents inside were resting in some kind of loose gelatin, which may have explained the masking of any aroma (vile or otherwise).

This prompted the Drinks Master to proceed to the decanting test, which had some rather disturbing results. To say that BFD pours out of its container is a misdescription. It more "slops" or "blurps" out of the bottle like sewerage out of a broken pipe into a viscous gloopy soup. Oddly enough, even decanted, the sewerage remained odour free.

Once in a glass it appears to greatly expand, as a full cup drained no more than 1/5 of the bottle. Although the net contents of the bottle was 480 ml it seemed more like 4 mega litres. BFD is a scientific breakthrough indeed, as one small bottle could quench the thirst of a small nation (if they could keep it down).

With a great deal of hesitancy the Drink Master took his first quaff and was greeted by a cold texture of a flavourless unset jelly. Perhaps it may be more accurately described as a very thick slimy mucus, or more bluntly, cold snot. The fungal chunks were solid and chewy, almost crunchy and carried a distinct mushroom flavour. Subsequent sips hinted at a subtle sweet taste in the goop, countered by a mushroom aftertaste. That said, the flavour was not overly offensive - if not strange. However the texture is most unpleasant especially when chomping through pieces of crunchy mushroom. This experience does not elicit positive memories or luxurious sensations.

After drinking roughly one half of the bottle (which felt like one half of the local reservoir) the Drinks Master was spent. The gloopy sewerage just does not sit well in the stomach, and so the Drinks Master was forced to concede defeat to his drinking kryptonite. Notwithstanding the vileness of the "Hanging Poo Drink" reviewed previously, the BFD cannot be drunk in one sitting unless you're in a state that would permit a claim of 'non est factum'. It's too much, both in volume and in wretchedness. As a result the remaining BFD was returned to the fridge to form part of some other concoction in the near future (perhaps a mushroom soup).

This brings us back to the marketing ploy, upon which comment must be made:

• to improve your digestion. Agree, if you can digest this you can digest anything.
• to beautify your looks. Partially agree, if weight loss is your aim then drinking this will cause you to not want to eat or drink for quite some time.
• to reinforce your physical strength. Partially agree, a few swigs of this will lead you to want to throw the bottle as far away as possible.
• our product is all made from natural sources with very good taste. Natural sources maybe, "very good taste" is a very ambitious claim unless all you've been eating and drinking for the last year is pond slime.

The verdict, stay away, except maybe for Halloween parties.